Sweet Raychel Lay

Into You.

2006-08-09T15:41:55Z

im sitting here entering data, names of people i will never know. i wonder how their lives are, and if they are any better than mine...getting up every morning at 748, putting on makeup, throwing on clothing, most of which too innappropriate to wear to work anyway, and coming to sit here, only to type endlessly, the names of people i will never ever meet.

i sincerely hope that customer number 067 is having a better time than i. i sincerely hope that Mr. Bruce Amundson is happy with his full time job, window office, and six figure salary, something that i will not see anytime soon.

if i continue on with this job i will be incredibly unhappy, tired, and exhausted. if i don't, i will most likely have a minimum wage job to look forward to, barely pulling by with rent, car insurance, cell phone, and student loans. however, it can be done.

i've learned several things while i've been here. Few can be summarized in words, and even more can not be expressed on the internet for everyone to read. what i will share is what i deem important, for those of you who care, to know.

first of all, let it be known that i have always been the cynical type. born and raised into a family with their own agendas and timeframes, i was always the goal oriented kid with no time for emotional interference. After graduating in the top ten percent of my class with a bright future ahead of me, i briskly decided that there is more to life than grades on a paper. I knew i had to get out there, wherever there may be, and explore. feel. love. hate. tire. whatever.

The expression "you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends" never really touched me before. I spent a lot of my time hoping my family would be something else. Something loving, caring, straight out of the brady bunch. However, this is not the case. My dad is extremely negative, overbearing, and definately way too protective. My mom is passive, bored, and unemotional. I believe that this really helped me to understand and define who I am as a person, and through this I carefully avoided becoming what I did not want to be.

When I was 19/20 I was a huge brat. I complained about everything, cried when I didn't get my way, and thought I was the best thing to hit the earth because of what I have done given my situation. I was the bitchiest Straight A student with no spending limit on my credit card. I think reality hit when I realized that none of that mattered in the slightest to me. So whats a free spirited girl to do?

Pack up and leave.

Which brings me to life lesson number two, "No matter where you go, you are what you are." You truly truly truly cannot run away from your problems. While I do love being in CT, I can't say that it has solved the problems I had with my life before. I can only say that I have seen the most beautiful things, and experienced the most wonderful things while I've been here. From the "welcome home" message frank made for me out of tampons, to getting lost in the woods with everyone last summer, every second has been well worth the move. I feel as if I am full of the beauty that is life, and when I think about it my eyes swell up with tears. I cannot thank anyone enough for what they have done for me in the past 2 years. i can only say i am a better person today because of you.

I've also seen my fair share of drama and hate, which has led me to become a more laid back, friendly person. I realize that life is too short for people to dislike others. This is why I don't start a fight if someone cuts in front of me in line at a store, or if someone cuts me off on the highway. Its all irrelevant. Having hate feelings will only bring you down, and will only let that pain consume you. If you take anything from me, let it be that feelings of hate shouldn't be within you.

My quote in the yearbook when I graduated was "Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality . Wake Up and Live!"

Now more than ever that makes a world of sense to me.

Perhaps you think this is crazy and weird, but if anything just understand that I have been humbled and forever grateful to everything i have been given by life. I'm not sure where I will be off to next, but I look forward to the adventures it brings and the beautiful gifts that i will experience.

Out Of Me.

2006-08-01T18:41:52Z

There's nothing i can really tell you that can make both of our gears completely in sync. The teeth will never meet at the exact same point in time to create a working machine. It's really a loss of touch. A death of character which I've never lived to this extent previously. My goal is not to make you understand. My expectations were the first two sentences and a short attention span that lead to scanning for a general answer to life. I do not offer this.

There is something to be said about a person with brand new clothes and a nice car. I know you know this man or woman. They know just who they are. They assume this to be truth. I find it amazing to watch it all play out. Sometimes I long to be this person. With thoughts of a well paying job and a family. Someone either pops right into your head or maybe you're beginning to question you're blind determination already. I sometimes wish i was born more susceptible. It's truly cinematic to watch you.

"Emotion" is at an all time low. Not because we no longer have or feel it, but because it's looked down upon. Emotion is essence. Controlling your defining factors is like my bedroom wall.

"We no longer live in a society where we can lock our women's legs together when we leave for war. "

That sentence says it all too. The first reason being that a woman becomes "ours", therefore, applying ownership. The second thing is that, in today's times, the lock has just changed. Do we not still attempt to do this? Why exactly do we do this as a man or woman? My nothing.

In my readings, I once came to the obvious conclusion that life is ever changing. This world that never stays the same, with people that make their every day about becoming something or changing themselves. An empty sentence. What, my love, would lead you to believe that unification even exists or should be deemed efficient if it did. I believe this is the root of most of it. Greed, lust, attatchment, acceptance etc. She went to the market. Golf is ignorance.

Honesty is no secret. How brilliant. The person you love has left the building. The person you fell in love with never changed. The only thing that did change is the fact that you can no longer get along. This beautiful person. This individual. Honesty. You hate it... all of it. Instead of telling yourslf that, lets create stipulations and "things need to change". I'll say this. People seldom change, and if they were to, then that person would never again be the person you once fell in love with. So now you no longer even have that. That person loses all individuality. So do yourself the favor... just be honest.

This is about where i find myself barefoot. The ground is not always rough enough to question my reasoning, but when it is, I'm probably too engulfed in my own thought to respond to your liking. Like I said, it's really just a loss of touch. He no longer knows who he is. His preference is to sit alone while out with others. His words are typically sporadic and stray from the events taking place. His logic is contradictive. His wardrobe is eccentric.

Excuse my randomness, but I'm becoming jaded. You are not honest. You can't be trusted. You fuck everyone. You bitch and complain.

lovebites and razorlines.

2006-07-14T18:42:09Z

You can lead a whore to water and you can bet she'll drink and follow
orders.

.

i know a girl
who sells herself around
and im sure that one day
she'll sign autographs in your town

revelation

2006-04-11T19:16:31Z

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I like my life. I like my appearance. I think I am a good natured person. Trustworthy. Strong. Beautiful. Compassionate.

I never really realized how wonderful I am until today. I excel in everything that I do. I can do anything. I believe in myself. I mean look at where I am. While I certainly couldn't have done it all by myself, I have managed to live on my own starting out with 400 dollars, and I'm still here. I haven't had to crawl back to my parents home, sleeping on the couch and wondering where to go next. I have made over 100 new friends, and 2 enemies, but the experience has been worthwhile. I am taking my life slow, and enjoying every concept of it, rather than being the Straight A Student, College graduate by age 20, worked at the same job for 6 years girl.

I may not be rolling around in money, I may not be shopping every week, and I may not have a luxury car...but I have the best life that I have ever heard of.

I was walking around the mall today with my hefty income tax check ready for use, debating on whether or not to buy a pink razor phone for 40 dollars more than a silver one, hearing the faint call of my two stalkers screaming my name down the mall hallway (what can I say..I'm famous.), and I realized....Do I really care what my cell phone looks like? Absolutely not. It's a phone. If it works and texts, I'm happy. If it takes pictures, good...I like to have my background a picture of my brother.

That's all that has ever really mattered to me...my brother.

Of course, moving out of my house has shown me that there are so many things to be grateful for. My friends, my "fam" (we call it a fam cuz its a family...get it hahaha), and my life.

How stupid I must have ever been to let someone else's comments get me down. How stupid I must have been to ever spend PAYCHECKS on 200 dollar heels to wear twice. How stupid I must have been to charge up credit cards to get three dressers full of clothes.

Sometimes I do get sad, miss my family, wonder if I made the wrong decision...but when I look to my left and see my best friends (Frank, Carch, Aaron, Eric, Cliff, Kelly) and look to my right and see what I've accomplished (Paid off bills, a place to live, food to eat) I realize that if I didn't move here...I'd be at my house miserable because I couldn't get the pink razor phone.

How Stupid.

carchismyhero @ 2004-09-12T01:17:00

2004-09-12T05:17:56Z

Friends Only.